Behind the eyes of every person, there is an ongoing story.  When two of those stories are compared, they might be some similarities, but, not one story is the same.  However, these stories intersect with one another.  I have always told myself that the people that come into my life all serve a purpose; they are characters in my story and they may either play a minor part, or have an everlasting impact on me. 
    Reminiscing, I have come to terms with parts myself; I have changed.  Life, like everyone else, has shot me with unique challenges.  Challenges that I have struggled to overcome.  Do you recall that saying, "change is inevitable?"  Life changes people.  For the better or worse is up to you to judge.  Judge, a verb that goes into action everyday.  We do not always have control of the challenges life brings upon us, but how we cope with them is a different story.     
    It seems at this point in my life, lies and deceit are two factors that are highlighted right now.  They follow me everywhere.  Being honest with myself, for example, is one of the greatest challenges life has flung at me.  It was not a simple task to overcome, but opening my mind, going through the experiences I have gone through, and meeting the people I have along with the ones I already know, are those characters that have a profound effect on me.  They are the major characters in my story, but like all things in this life, they are not perfect.  People lie to cope and do the things they wish to do.  The ones who are lied to become offended and then from there comes a chain reaction with countless more arguments and issues.  So many times we think life is doing is harm by tossing certain challenges to us and  at times, we cope with these challenge in an unhealthy manner, when in reality, it us who are locking ourselves up in our own mental labyrinth. 
    I have put up with the dark characters in my story.  Why?  I do it in the act of love.  Love, depending on the situation, triggers you to do both acts of nobility and selfishness.  Consequently though, everything in this world has its limit.  I know I do.  At the age of 18 (soon to be 19),  I said stop.  If a character wishes to continue doing harm to themselves, then why should I go down with them?  It was their choice to commit moralistically and as their own product of their previous commitment, I have been following them throughout my early years.  When I was accosted by a dark character and there was conflict in our perspectives, more harm was done to everyone.  Even after the arguments and declarations that I shall not be treated at such a manner, nothing ever changed in that aspect.  Yes I was defended from the humiliation and the constant censuring by you, but I can no longer take in all of this.  You are in your own labyrinth which you have created and know the exit to it but have failed to recall it exists. I have reached a limit.  I am my own person who has decided to walk around the dark character and continue my journey in this life for the sake of the continuation of my story.    You have the choice to do the same; we all do. 
    Life truly is full of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, we do things and many times we fail to stand up and accept or in some cases fail to see our errors and take responsibility.  Sometimes we choose not to take responsibility when we recognize our faults.  We choose to not confront our obstacles and those only add and make our labyrinth more complex.  By suppressing and throwing aside our obstacles-- instead of solving-- we fall deeper instead of rising. 
     I have my limits and I have reached some of them.  I have reached certain point in my life and like a character from my story stated recently, "we are all in a different points of our lives."  Not everyone has experienced the things I have gone threw, and I have not experienced some things everyone else has.  I believe that is why we have failed to understand and express empathy.  However, love and respect are two different things.  I admire those who are honest and deliver for their commitments.  I have grown to dislike the idea of deceitfulness and the idea of being "slapped in the face." I look down to those who do the opposite because I have created my own set of morals and standards.  Words can have a profound impact on someone, especially the poignant ones, but in the end, it is the action that conquers all.  Yet, as dissapointed as I become in someone, I will still love because love is pure.
    A whole year of being in a different environment has shaped me greatly.  To confront the real world, I think this environment has prepared me a bit though I have much to learn.  However, I have become my own person and I learned to accept a large portion of who I am and what I do.  The attitude I had some years back towards life has changed for the better I believe.  We are constantly going to be judged, but when I am, I seek comfort in the fact that I have not done anything wrong or lied.  We all judge.  We should have an overt mind to see the big picture.  In the end, it is the big picture that matters in this life. At times, we have the tendency to criticize other stories so strongly and with so much feeling when in the end we produce hypocrisy: a negative coping strategy.  I believe an open-mind is a big step. We make mistakes, we learn from them, but it is your choice if you want to act out what you have learned.  Characters in a story have dialogue but they do not always act upon it.  It all comes down to being true to one another and ourselves.  The truth is not meant to always be a pretty sight, but when it is confronted, you are true to yourself and that is the first step to reaching the exit of a labyrinth. 
   

"Aveces nuestros sueños caen al suelo, como pedacitos de estrellas que poco a poco se pagan.  Nuestro corazón llora en silencio y cuando las lagrimas caen, llenan al todo cuerpo. Y el corazón de tanto amar, se cubierta en hielo para no sufrir, mas para ya no llorar.  Pero si volteas al cielo te darás cuenta que quedan muchas estrellas y cada uno en su sueno para cumplir.  Y la fuerza en tu interior de retira el hielo en tu corazón.  Solo no dejes de creer por que el amor y tu sueños son la única fuerza para la eternidad.” - Dulce Maria

I should translate:
"Sometimes our dreams fall to the floor, like pieces of stars that slowly die out.  Our heart cries in silence and when the tears fall, they fill the entire body.  And the heart for loving so much, becomes frozen to not suffer anymore, to not cry anymore.  But if you turn to the sky, you realize that there's many stars and each with their own dream to come true.  And the force within you, will melt the ice in your heart.  Just don't stop believing because love and your dreams are the only force for eternity."- Dulce Maria

eh I tried.  Grammar has never been my forte.
But I'm sure, at one point, we have all felt like that...

Tus caricias vacías me las creía

Vete que ya te tengo, olvidado en un cajón.

hah I wish.

So many things have happened.  The events that have previously occured in my life swifly flew, right before my very eyes like a shooting star.  The name United South High School and those four years I spent there are now officially part of my past now.  I honestly do not know what I should think.  I heard from my fellow graduates that they felt indifferent; that they felt like they were going back to school the next day, which in my case, is the opposite. 

In a way, I do wish I could go back and change so many things, but that is not a good thing to have that mentality is it?  Then again, there are so many things I wish I could change about myself, so it's useless to dwell in such a way for it is not going to happen in a matter of days.   I suppose I will have to work on myself slowly.  I will miss those faces I would see daily in my classes, on the way to class, and afterschool, even if we would look at each other, but never had the courage to say a word to each other at times; such a shame.  I could have done things differently, but I suppose, as I always say, things are meant to be this way for a reason.  I ask myself this all the time, and I wonder, "what reason?  Is there even a reason?  Can anyone answer these questions for me?" 

I hate being sick with a bitter passion.

Graduation, wow.  The night before, I lay in a deep slumber.  I recall seeing people's faces, and certain things occurring in their lives.  I saw so many things but of course I have forgotten them already.  My mother stormed into my room and well I ended up having to call 911 for her.  Thankfully she arrived at the hospital just in time, and to think she almost decided not to go.  To think I could've lost her.  She was so worried that she wasn't going to make on time to for graduation, which to think she could have not made it at all. I almost decided not to go to my graduation if she did not make it in the morning. 

Ms. Wilson's speech did touch me.  The string high school had tied around has been broken.  Now it is time to do a little growing up.

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But now I don't want to grow up.  

Life, itself, is the most complicated thing as a whole that our eyes, mind, and heart will analyze.  As much as I wish I could, as most probably no one else will either, I'll never understand it myself. 

My name is Sergio Hiram Guzman, born and raised here in Laredo, Texas.  I was born on the 25th of July in the year 1989 and I am human.  I'll admit, I've never been the strongest, but the more poignant and sensitive inside.  I cry and feel like every other one, perhaps, it is reflected more than others, but human nonetheless.

I find passion in writing and the arts: drama, music, painting, etc, and it is in those places, sanctuaries, where I am more easily expressed through.  If there is a music lyrics posted somewhere, whether it be my msn screenname or on an entry, it's expressing an emotion or thought of mine and yes, it might be towards you.

Quiet, shy, I may be at first, but inside, I am so much more than that.  I am deeply misunderstood so many times, so yes I do take it offensively at times.  Moreover, I think I am boring at times, but you just have to look deeper in me.  It is all I desire.

I do not like my self at times, both inside and out, but then again, everyone dislikes things about themselves at one point or another.

I block myself out from the world so many times because I feel alone and afraid, but sometimes, it just takes someone to ask in an empathetic manner and for them to send me their understanding vibe to help me; because, it's all I really need.

It's what I am in deep need of, compassion and love. 

I sometimes am, very easily influenced by the opinions of others.  When their opinions are the opposite and collide in my head, I find myself in a predicament.

I am probably the most unhealthiest person you know.

I feel at times, like I'm going to die early.

However, I am in love with anime.  O how I yearn to live in the Feudal Era, or Crystal Tokyo: fighting off evil each with our own elemental powers, or finding the missing jewel shards from the Sacred Jewel, all while it being okay to be clumsy and stupid at the same time.  Sounds just like me right?

I am a Peach player at Super Smash Bros. Melee.  I don't care how cheap or annoying you think she is, you haven't mastered her, not like I have either, but I pwn with her. xD

Externally, I am clumsy and an "air-head."  Yes, I admit, at times, I lack common sense.  I turn red and all when I make a fool out of myself.  However, it makes everyone laugh and well, laughter is the best medicine afterall.  So, I don't mind.  Then again, I'm deep and there is so much more to me than the fact that I lack common sense here and there.  It is who I am.

I analyze my surroundings.  I wish to become a therapist of some sort, where I can help others.
It is my dream to help others emotionally with their obstacles in life, and demontrate to them, how there is so much to live for.  I surprise myself at times at how optimistic and over I can be.  I believe people are able to pick up the genuinely good vibe I give off. 


I have a week left here in Laredo.  It truly is amazing how time does fly by.  Things have been changing rapidly for me, and even still, I don't feel prepared at all. 

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And now I am here, in The University of Texas at Austin.  Reading the first part of this entry made me realize how different things are now.  I've changed, yes, in this whole month that I have been away from Laredo I have done some tremendous changing.  The section before this one, there is so much negativity and now I see things so much differently. The time that I've been away from Laredo and the endless conflicts that has to offer, has let me depart on a new journey to find myself.  No longer am I that caged bird who is unable to fly off on it's own and explore what is outside the cage.  There are endless possibilities here and yes I do like it here very much.

However, it is not like I do not miss everyone back home.  Home: because Laredo will always be my home.  As shitty as it may be, I grew up there and there is an endless stream of memories flowing there.  I miss my family and their endless jokes and mocking of each other, I miss those faces you see around, and I miss you, as much as I hate to admit.  However, with all the good that comes out of everyone and everything, there must be an opposite occurrence; it's the nature of things, to balance things out in our lives.  My family, I love them, plain and simple.  However, they do some with their flaws.  Major flaws that do affect me deeply, and at times, I admit, I am not strong enough to confront them, so I flee and avoid them.  I truly needed to get away from all those conflicts and just be on my own for a while, to breath in a different kind of air.  I'm good here.  Day by day, I discover and add a new piece to my image.  It will suffice soon.

College is nothing compared to high school.  The tests here, are challenging.  I got "Cs" on both of my first two exams.  It's alright, I know what to expect now.  Shit, if you thought you were busy in high school, wait until you come up here.  None the less, I have a feeling, like it is commonly stated, these years will be the best years of my life.  The best part of it is that it has just begun. 

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Dear Friend,
   
    Well, I suppose the first thing I should tell you is I don't know why I spend so much time thinking over you when you clearly don't think of me.  It is stupid really, and I don't know what it is about you that makes me think of you so much.  It's unrequited, and well that's just something that hurts.  I've come to terms with myself and I have realized, I'm all the way over and you're over there, and as much as I tell myself it is stupid, I still can't stop thinking about you; I can be in Japan, or half way across the world, and from time to time, you will appear in my thoughts.  There are just so many things that remind me of you, and you...you just have no idea. 
    I could have sworn at one point, you had a further interest, but then, did it just die out?  Those things I've done, the little things, I feel as if they are yelling my emotions about you, but either you it is unrequited or you truly are blind and stupid.  Then again, you do not make much of an effort to communicate and I feel inadequate when I do.  Perhaps, this will open your eyes and you realize all of this, that you never had to be alone.

Dear Friend,

    Wow, look at us now.  We're such awesome friends now.  I feel great when I am talking about my troubles with you.  You're an awesome friend who sees the good and flaws in me, for the most part, and well, I'm glad I get to see you somewhat often.  I love the fact you are one of the few people who is able to understand me.  You have been so patient with me, and  because of all that, I consider you a true friend.  I just, at times, worry about you.  It is your health and I don't know, I have always been those type of people who worry too much at times.  Just be yourself and don't do or change anything just so you can feel good about yourself. 

Dear Friend,

    I truly enjoying reading your entries.  The way you write in them is so unique.  You are such a kind person but sometimes, I can not help but want to tell you that nothing will ever be perfect.  If it is something I have learned, is that nothing ever will.  If you learn this, and you keep on moving forward, everything will be fine.  It will help you grow.

Dear Friend,

    It is amazing how much you have changed and how each time I talk to you, you are stronger each time.  You have grown so much.  It is truly amazing at how well we connect and how although we are four hours apart, we have a strong friendship.  You truly are one of the VERY few people I can trust with everything.  Your open-mind, artistic abilities, and compassion make you such a great person.  We are so alike you and I, that's why I find comfort in you because even if you were not to say anything, I will be satisfied with that.   I just hope we both understand soon why we feel the way we feel towards our respected interests.

Dear Friend,

    I can tell you really need time for yourself.  All this drama being stacked up has worn you out, I can tell.  I am apologize if I sometimes have too much ambition in a particular case, but at times, I feel like that is just something I want to be at the top of since I'm not at anything else that I do.  What I really want to say is, "simpre alza la voz." (always make your voice.)  You know what you are in right now, but you can fix it if you put your input into it.

Dear Friend,

    Love, is something precious.  It is not something that can be said from one person in little time.  Do not abuse it, better yet, do not confuse it.  That kind of love is not going to be present one hundred percent of your life, and with that mentality, you confuse it with infatuation.  Become realistic and look at things from the "big picture" perspective.  I know you have been hurt and have not been responded back in the way you deserve to, but do not go out running thinking you need someone to feel complete.  Please do not sully the word love.  Be yourself first, find yourself, and be settled with yourself.  I promise, things will be so much simple when you do that.

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I assume, there are some things, mistakes actually, that don't change or reoccur because of stupidiness.  I guess the one thing that I find common in these statements that were made to 6 individuals is that we all have some growing up to do.  Throughout the process of our lives, we never stop growing.  We stop growing, when our life ends.  Just don't stop walking down the path.

If you are actually able to realize that you are able to realize I am talking about you in one of those six notes, tell me and I will tell you if you are correct or not.  I feel it is not too difficult to realize if it is you if you think deeply.  I have probably mention some of the things before to you.  Don't leave yourself doubting or thinking "what if."  Let what is bottled up, out.  It is better to know, then to not have known.  No regrets.

This was such a long entry, and it was written at different times, while I was in different moods.  If you actually read all of this, thanks.  It means so much because I pour my soul into what I write.  Comments and your thoughts would be lovely. I have changed, I have become stronger. I'll leave you with this; it is something I agree with.

"Buscando en la nada, con los sueños destrozados
Te encontre a ti.
Solo tu me mirabas a los ojos, solo tu sabias que estaba aqui.
Buscando en mi vacio, tu luz lleno me espacio.
Sufri por tantas cosas, llore por tanta gente
Sin darme cuenta que tu siempre habias estado aqui.
Buscando en mi reflejo, apareciste tu y me dijiste:
"Nunca has estado sola siemprte te has tenido a ti."
La verdadera soledad es cuando te pierdes a ti mismo.
No hay que dejar de creer en ti, porque te tienes que amar tu para que alguien te pueda amar."

-Dulce Maria

We must not stop believeing in ourselves, because we have to love ourselfs so someone can love us.

I'm learning that the hard way.

(I haven't edit this yet.)